trapped in my melancholy mind, only orange skies can save me now. a cool breeze at dusk greets me with a kind graze and the setting sun reveals a world beyond my own. Sitting at the top of the earth, I long to reach that world, and be consumed in all its mystery. Radiant and bright, it exposes the dark and gives away the secrets of the night. And when I gaze into its essence, it unveils itself to be – a still and quiet place, lost in the galaxy.
alright, I haven’t been here in awhile. I initially wanted to post everyday, but then that turned to once a week, then once a month. well, not much has really changed for me since last time and I’m still trying to accomplish the things I spoke of in previous posts.
As I mentioned in the last post, another one of the things I would like to do in my life is get in involved in politics somehow. From an early age I took an interest in politics and the news in general. Something about how we choose to run our world fascinates me. I believe that in the time we have, we are supposed to create or at least influence the society in which we live. I would one like to maybe work on a campaign for someone who I truly believe in. Now don’t get me wrong, I will be the first one to admit that our current political system has problems. I would name some of them now, but I think I would need a whole new post to cover all of them. However, I still believe that even with it’s flaws, we can still use our current system to better and make improvements to our society. One of the people whom I really look up to is Barack Obama. I remember in 2004 when I was 13 watching the Democratic National Convention where he was the keynote speaker. I remember how great of a speech he gave and I thought he had a funny name, little did I know that 4 years later that guy would go on to be president. Now, I don’t agree with everything he does but I can relate to him on a personal level. I read his book “The Audacity of Hope” and it was one of the most honest and heartfelt memoirs I have ever read. Its hard to believe it was written by a politician! And even though he is facing some tough criticism lately I still have hope in him. He also displays many qualities that I admire; intelligence, good oratorical skills, wisdom, honesty, calm yet assertive, and he seems to be a very moral person as well. He also wasn’t born into the best of situations, and struggled but overcame things when he was younger to be who he is today. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even get the chance to run for some sort of office, although I need to work on myself a lot before that’s even becomes a reality.
I’m must say that music is probably my favorite thing in life. All aspects of it. Everyone says they love music, but I must say that I am obsessed with it. If I get a whole day to myself where I can just be at home and listen to music, that’s a really good day in my opinion. In the past, and even now, people I know have wanted to drink and smoke and do all sorts of things but I remember all I ever wanted to do was make music. Whether it be in a band with other people playing rock music, by myself making beats and instrumental songs, or whatever, point is I love making music. At this point in my life, when I am supposed to think about a possible career, I would love nothing more then to be able to just make music and have my songs used in commercials or movies or something like that. I mean think about it, next time you hear a commercial listen to the music. Someone had to have made that and they probably got a good amount of money for it (not that moneys everything). Anyways, thats one of the many things that I would like to do. One of the other things is getting involved in politics somehow, but I’ll talk about that later. So, here is a link to my music myspace-
All this talk of trying to start a relationship has really got me thinking about the types of girls that I like, and I’m really starting to question whether my standards are too high. In fact, yes they are much too high. Sigh……..I can’t help it though. I like the good things in life, good music, good food, and pretty girls. I mean, in terms of looks I am attracted to females of all different races, which I think is a good thing. It defiantly makes the playing field bigger!! Other then that I’ve noticed that most of the girls I like tend to be mostly on the thin side, and I mean naturally thin, not unhealthy thin. This probably has to do with the fact that most guys wouldn’t want to be with a girl who weighs more then they do and since I am I thin person myself this doesn’t leave me many options. They same goes for height too cause I tend to like girls who are around my height or a little shorter and I am of average height so this is no problem. But more important then looks, and I’m not just saying this, is personality. She absolutely must be a nice person and there are no exceptions to that. Also she needs to be a smart person and very deep minded. That it also a must. I couldn’t stand to be around someone who isn’t at least on the same intelligence level as me. Having a good sense of humor would be nice too and it would be good if she had a plan for the future of what she wants to do. You know, independent girls who don’t necessarily need a guy to have success. I like that. But yes….as you all can read, I may need to lower my expectations, but it won’t be easy. I’ll leave you all with a picture of someone I really admire, Nicole Kidman. Shes a classy lady and maybe someday if I’m lucky I’ll get a girl like her………
Well, I’m back. I think I’m gonna continue the rant that I started the first time since I don’t think I said everything I wanted to. Anyways, I was talking about how I’m socially awkward and behind socially. Now I must say that there actually is a reason for all of this. For awhile I have always felt different from everybody else but I just thought I was “weird”. However, about three and a half years ago I began to really suspect it was a specific thing that made me the way I am. Overtime I started to find out more information and it was about four months ago that I became convinced that my suspicions were true. Now what exactly am I referring to? Well, I’m not going to say specifically what it is but I’ll just say that it is something that affects every aspect of my life; the way I think, the way I interact with others, habits that I have, even the way I look. But I haven’t told anyone and I’m the only one who knows. Sometimes I want to announce it to the world, but other times I wish to keep it forever to myself. It would change the way people would look at me, even though it would explain quite a bit. Discovering it has made me feel like a complete outsider, so separated from others. Sometimes, and I know this is a strong statement, I don’t even feel human. I feel like I was never meant to be here and that I “fell to earth” on accident. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to “fit in” in this world, there will always be something holding me back, always something that makes me different to the point where I feel unreachable. This complicates the point that I made before, how I want to form a relationship with somebody and even though I complain a lot about the world we live in, I tend to notice and appreciate the beauty in certain things. Now if only someone could find the beauty in me….
Well, I’ve finally jumped on the blog bandwagon. I’m doing this partly because I’m bored but also because I like to think a lot, much more than most, and I think it would be nice if some of those thoughts get recorded some how instead of having them slip away forever. Anyways, I guess this is the part when I’m supposed to talk about my current mood. Well, at the moment I’m……lonely. Very lonely in fact. It’s strange because I used to never mind being alone, in fact, I used to value solitude. But for some reason lately I have had a change of heart and mind. I have also recently come to the realization that I have no true friends and I have never been in a relationship before. I mean, I have friends that I see at school and such but not the type that would call me to hang out outside of that environment. And, like I said before I have never been in a relationship and this scares me because I feel as if just about everyone I know is either in love or has at least experienced that before and I feel like I’m so behind. I mean, I’ve always been attracted to girls but in the past I never really wanted to pursue a relationship with them, but now that I’m in college I really feel the need to be in a relationship. It just sucks though, because I am, by far, the most self-conscious person I know, and I have every reason to be that way. For starters, I am not the most attractive person in the world (to put it nicely). This bothers me so much. I wish I was one of those guys that is so good-looking that they always carry themselves with a sense of confidence (of which I have none). Those types of guys can go up to girls that they don’t even know and talk to them without any hesitation. Also, socially I’m awkward (to say the least). Although, I must say recently I have improved on this. I’m more talkative and social then I was in the past and if someone would have met me even a year or two ago, it would be like meeting a completely different person. Anyways, I think this is all I’ll reveal for today and if anyone out there is reading this PLEASE give me feedback!!!
PS- I know the picture is totally unrelated to this. Its a picture of a street light that I took this morning when it was still dark out and I really like it cause it looks like the sun at night or during an eclipse or something. I hope you like it too!!